crystallized carbon

Let the pearls outlast the shell, let it fuse with carbon, and under the pressure in the sand beneath leagues of sea, become diamonds that only sink with time into depths unknown. Night beneath saltwater, just like the night sky and its stars, sands in pitch black with lost gems in its innumerable body.

.

Aku berbicara dengan alam

        mengusung harapan

        menanti jawapan 

dari semesta yang riuh

dengan sepi manusia

yang menyangkakan

         sakit itu sakti,

         seni yang suci.

the world looks better through instagram pictures

Prettier, happier. Like nothing ever bothers you and you're doing okay.

hope to god

One last week, Five more days. And after, to happier things, I hope.

ramparts

I suppose I've always thought that time, promises, things done, reaffirmed over and over with sincere words, would culminate into something untouchable... that they would form the permanence I so desired. Apparently not. One could do so much and feel so much and still end up being just a footnote; summarized so briefly that it demeans all, cheapens all that I have ever committed my very soul to.

One could love, but it does not ensure one is also loved. So now I look upon the remains of my Walls, how it has been breached by not the strangers I so cautiously steer away, but from within.

Doa

Sebilah perasaan, seperca rintihan,
yang hanya kata-kata hati
mampui tinta ke kota langit
laungkan ke dada angkasa
kemudian bersatu dengan udara,
dipanjatkan ke kayangan;

menemukan Dia  
menemukan maaf,
          kasih, dan pengampunan.

pacemaker

Naturally, one would like to be explained to, to believe that the reasons as to why things happen to us will be unveiled in the immediate future... because otherwise things do not make 'sense', it adds up to our anxieties and discontent. But life's not like that, we don't always get explanations, no great reveals, no nothing. Life isn't rational (to our human faculties), it is not a persona we can hold accountable and make demands to, assign faults to. The question of faith fits here, the cupped palm that holds us. The irrationality of life makes for piety, for belief but that's not my subject matter right now. I'm talking about the whys, the need for answers when there is none to be gotten.

It's futile, but it's there, niggling away at the back of my mind.

Then, there is the question of self-autonomy, one's Will. To what extent are we capable of governing our actions? Is it exponential to one's belief that one is in control? or maybe we're not supposed to even grasp at the illusion of control, rather, to be bouyant and surf the waves that buffets us like flotsam at sea. Life is a journey afterall... the concept of acceptance being the great storms, trials, that visits.

I feel like anarchy is built-in into me. They call it the 'Nafs' don't they... heedlessness, always making the wrong choices, consciously so. Because sometimes I feel like I set bylaws for my heart only for it to be ripped apart, torn down, by my own self.

I can't help it. I keep wondering why I end up here, if it was by my own consent, if I did my own heart upon myself. How much of our relations to the world is voluntary, how much of it is destiny, and how much of it is pure brain chemistry?

Ultimately, the heart runs its own beat. It's not an instrument. We do not play its rhythm.

.

My perception of the world is deeply personal. I wage war with my ideals, flay myself alive,  repeatedly, for all the failings I am aware I commit. Maybe I like to suffer, who knows? It's very selfish of me to hold things in such deep regard, it is unfair, but isn't that the ironic nature of Justice? That there is a right and wrong, even when things are all gray?

Regardless, I would rather suffer the consequence of being this inflexible than be a wayward, hollow being incapable of knowing meaning... dismissing all as superficial, impersonal. 

I will be as I am. I will not be less.