Distillation

It is one thing to have a heart wakened from blind submission into awareness. It is then another to have a heart capable of questioning in pursuit of deeper faith. And finally, armed with more knowledge, it is a feat to have an obedient heart.

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It's hard to unangry yourself when the situation has you already ticked off. And this incessant coughing (it's been what...8? 9 weeks?) is definitely not helping.

When do I get to feel normal again. It's been 4 months. 

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Am trying very hard not to let it get to me. And am failing quite miserably.

What hunts me down

I get these nightmares. I call them "running" nightmares, in which I am invariably chased by a villain. A someone or something. I don't get them very often now but lately they seem to have made a reappearance. How disturbing. At least it's not every *i shall not swear* night like back in pre-U but still.

I've never not run in them. Several nights ago, for the first time ever, I gave up. Well, my dream-self gave up anyway. That never happened before. I remember getting 'caught' once, but it wasn't because I stopped running. I was just caught. That particular nightmare ended with me waking up still feeling the fingers closed in around my throat. I felt it. It was so real.

But this one, the one that I stopped running in, I was just caught & got my legs broken over and over. It wasn't 'painful' in the normal way but it hurt my mind. I can't explain it.

Anyway. Nightmares? They are not fun.

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I've been in denial for the past 6 days and now I don't know how to feel about this anymore.

I saw the snake my maid spoke of just now. It was sitting in Fluffy's favourite sunbathing spot. Fluffy went missing 2 days after she first saw the snake. And she noted how the snake was thicker back then & smaller today.

Maybe now I can just cry. *sigh*

Back beat

I grabbed my copy of The letters (Kerouac-Ginsberg) and opened to a random page. They're so charming to each other. My eyes stung. I snapped the book shut.