Rat-race

Uninspired by what I read

I succumb to route-learning.

The ultimate sin

in the questing for knowledge.

I adhere to the rules

and strive for modesty.

Conforming with the greatest reluctance

I am mediocre.

These feelings of unworth

I dampen with flights of fancy.

Dreaming up worlds with foreign realities

I let my vision blur.

This gloomy, fitful existence

it makes one hunger for an end.

Larks

Soft yet strong
like the beats of a bird's wings
when your presence touches me
I find it difficult to stay lucid.

You stir chaos in my mind.

Unawares of your effect on me,
my iron-wrought, bloodied exterior
which I curtain with calm demeanour;
To you, I am but a garden with gates open.

You sow seeds of trust in me.

But don't worry.
Despite it all, I won't say to you
that I need you or want you.
I believe that loveliness can only be fleeting.

With you, I wager my reason
my faculties, everything.

My muse

If there's anything useful I learn from
being acquainted with you
is that in complexity therein
lies absolute beauty.
And that in cruelty there is always;
Love misled
Loyalty betrayed
Promises thwarted.

Nightly tears, daily nightmares
you're my beautiful monster.
The fuel that burns me
thoroughly, for eternity.
I am skewed and debased
in my perception of your true self.
For in my aberrant loyalty to you
lies infinite cruelty.
Truly, I don't care for your humanity
merely your beauty, which I magnify.

For this, I am sorry.
Like all wicked creatures of this world
I scavenge for that which I aim my lust;
Your mind
Your visions
Your past
all I savour, though
I feign anxiety at your expense.

Dear muse,
within all these verses
laced in every single word
is an image of you.
Mutilated by me
so I may breathe my fantasy.
Almost all that I write, if not all
I flaunt your very vulnerability,
my own monstrosity.

_________________________________________________________________

Note: Sometimes I feel the need to debase my naivety in...I'm not sure what word to use, perceiving?...perceiving you because my dignity, self-worth hangs by it. My way of reassuring myself that there's nothing in the slightest bit...wrong with my Muse, which incidentally is what you are to me. 

There, I said it.

Highs & Lows

My mood can be flippant at times

drying all my laughter

freezing all my smiles

but most of all

it hollows me, completely and utterly.

I don't mind getting on a high

but all highs end with lows.

When the lows dip too low

the devastation seems irreversible

lasting moments that feels like eternities.

I have to put down my defences

and throw away my reservations

just to stay intact.

For a while, detached

from detachment.

When I set these fires in my mind

I burn my heart and lit my soul.

Afterwards, the ashes fall and settle.
For once I wish the wind would sweep me up
suspend me in lightness, happiness.

Almost-Love.

I'll do almost anything for you
even if you do nothing for me.
Just a little acknowledgement from you
means the world to me.
What I feel for you is, Love
unlike that between friends, or even lovers.
For I deem you my almost-soulmate
My cruel yet witty confidant.

Whenever I think of death
I'll think of you. Of writing;
poems, letters. Of painting;
flowers, the Moon, the Sky
all addressed to only two, of which one is you.
My affection for you is quite limitless,
the intimacy I feel for you is a secret
I doubt you'll ever comprehend.

This almost-Love fondness I have for you
is very real to me.
As long as it stays hidden,
untainted by views of our conformist society
but most of all from you whom I Love, almost;
my warped, haloed vision of you (my Muse)
will stay folded in the crook between my soul & sanity.

Big M

My life is grotesque and dreadry

like a circus too shabby to make money

It is one big malaise.

Loathing people in proximity

I am tired, twisted and half-crazed.

Their presence, remarks, ignorance,

all vaulting my strained civility.

Badgering me with endless axioms

having me explain such trivialities

Why am I serving such penance?

Leave me be

oh, just leave me be.

Love letters

I'll write you one everyday because see, sometimes I do understand the need to be loved. People who keep to themselves quite a bit value contact (with the right people) a lot more than the average person.

It's just that, I don't get to.

You know, write letters.

Rainbow in my window

Always. After it rains, I see a rainbow in my window.

The musky scent of rain cling to you

like cold weather does to bones,

distinct and unforgiving.

Silent yet resilient, just like rain

you water sadness with hope

and put out flames of shame.

Alone in the sky, palely loitering.

Warm to the eyes yet ever so distant

you're my solemn rainbow. My secret.

I can see your true colours

but only when you wish me to.

I'm asking you now; Linger here forever.