Cogency

And I destined to be the vague wraith from the past, ever struggling for ambiguous motivations, is eternally the one who seeks to leave and stay. Yet being single-minded in certain things, I vainly agonise over dusty one-sided proclamations of undying loyalty, only to cease after realizing it's futility and foolishness. I endeavoured to simultaneously annihilate and immortalize what was real and fantasy.

But it was all but a game. I deigned to think that it was an elaborate game involving the gamut of human emotions ranging from the innocent to the decadent, encompassing pure earnestness to villifying indifference.

I write this now from an island, having segregated myself from any such childish capriciousness. I do not gaze at the Sky with clouds of asinine magnanimous thoughts anymore. Although I admit, in this particular moment of reminiscing, I taste my bitterness and savour its fullness. I felt slighted by you & my own foolishness. This needs to be said (again. A thousand times over).

To be completely honest (as I seem to be in the mood for it right now), this drunken  display of old wounds is the effects of my reading a book. I have not read, truly read a book in a while now. I have forgotten what it was like to explore the vagaries of human motivations in such beautiful passages.

The book came by your hand. No, simply left behind. That distinction I am now fully capable of making now that I am not affected by you anymore. 

Again, what can anybody construe this for anything but-, I shall say no more. I expect this to please you, no matter how superficially. Though I understand that it might not affect you at all. Not anymore, not ever, in fact. See how desolate I actually am?

In this frame of mind, in this indulgent moment, I acknowledge what I have (finally) discarded. We are not meant for the proximity that I idealised. 

Spring Snow

I can't believe I've let it sit on my shelf unread for about a year. I am quite in love with it.

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For the ever solitary soul, ever in pursuit of ideals unspoken, learns the joys and sadness of the wayfarer en route in a foreign land. He sees a majestic sight; a mountain, the sea, the setting of the Sun, its splendour overjoys him but he has none to share it with so the beauty ends with a muted loneliness.

I am one such soul. 

Fated

Before Stars were made

upon the Night Sky to decorate,

their Souls were fashioned together

their hands, written for each other

lovingly, faithfully, forever.

Their Love will be,

the cave, the lake, the winds, 

shelter, stillness, vigor

the thorn, the roots, the flower,

grief, strength, pleasure.

Though Stars burn out

Life gives out,

For the Love that is written,

   Of Death is transcendent.

Nadon

At one of the open houses today I found this really pretty girl with a really pretty room who reads (e.g The Catcher In The Rye). Bet she goes to those Buku Jalanan events. I've a bit of a crush on her room. Love the Mucha posters.

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I feel like writing the 'Camel Scene' for my HH. It's supposed to be the starting of chapter 2, where Hafiz will meet a white pregnant camel and name her Kawthar. She'll be standing with a herd of shaggy bactrian camels eating cacti flowers under the moon's gentle glow. She'll be his companion for a while. They'll encounter a djinn snake, an oasis guarded by a black swan, and an Arabian horse dying in quicksand. She'll take him through the snowing desert to the foot of the mountain.

Here I am writing about the thing I'm supposed to write. I'll do this later. Let's call this brainstorming shall we?

2:185

The imam started the khutbah Raya with references to Al-baqarah ayat 185 interlaced with takbirs. I am pleased that I recognised the ayat. Thanks to those Qur'an weekly Quranic Gems by Nouman Ali Khan.

I've got a cold for a week now. It's dampening my mood but it'll clear up soon hopefully.

Normalities aside, I actually feel rather concussed. It just seems to me that I've left too many goals hanging. I say I try to be good and all that but really, do I really?

*sigh* I read As-Saff's translation just now. Because the imam also mentioned some wonderful things about the strength of women, mothers in Islam, about Musa AS's mother and step mother specifically, he stresses on surahs al-qasas, as-saff and another Surah I can't remember. All so he could illustrate the point that Allah SWT does things He does not need to but He is afterall The Most Gracious and the Best of Planners. 

So, as-saff, it says God dislikes people who 'say they do things they didn't do'. Fasik.

I fear for myself. Constantly. The need to be able to remain khusyuk in my prayers is ever growing because I keep catching myself failing.

I feel displaced. The killing of time is smudging the edges of my reality.

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Ramadhan at home has been wonderful. I cannot express how grateful I am to be able to spend most of Ramadhan at home. I look forward to next year. I am going back to Melbourne tomorrow night. Tonight was my last night of tarawih at Surau Al-Madani.

I will miss our Indonesian ustadh's lovely, lovely recitation. He sounds so young, his recitation clear, modest. Absolutely beautiful. If sounds are images, what comes to mind is of a cool breeze blowing across grassland on the slope of a mountain. Blue, sun-gold, green. Cool, airy, earthy. Lapang, tenang, sederhana.

In Melbourne, Winter will greet me.

I am even more determined this time. I am a wayfarer, seeking knowledge in a foreign land across the Sea. I once again will assume the role of Stranger & Knowledge Seeker.

Allah musta'an.