On tawakkal & taqwa

In the face of adversity, when one despairs, it is a sign of reliance on the self. A reminder, that our reliance should be (as it truly is), only on God.

In the face of difficulties, when one complains, it is a sign of ingratitude. A reminder, that our compliance in our servitude is our gratitude.

A true believer is one who practices patience. And patience, is a lesson that needs to be relearned every day (I read this somewhere but I can't for the life of me remember the source - I've a feeling it's some Jedi thing from Star Wars haha).

I must remember, no, practice this more often.

Khatam

Today I khatam Qur'an for the 2nd time in my life. Yes, only the 2nd. Still, It marks a progress in my desire to become a better muslimah. Inshallah.

:)

.

Hanyut dalam kelam

Dipinggir paya silam

Merakit-rakit ke tebing

Hati ditangan kujinjing

Siulan angin memberani

Ciuman bulan mengiringi

Dalam pelukan malam

Kuredah hutan hitam.

               

.

Hutan belantara ini kujejaki

sekali lagi

demi mencari kelibat masa lampau

suatu ketika, suatu masa

dimana kesepian mula menjalar

             — Akarnya ingin kubakar

. . .

I'm actually pretty  very sad that I can't attend my brother's engagement seeing that the possibility of my attending the wedding next year is pretty much zilch.

I keep missing ALL the weddings. Cousins etc.

*sigh*

*goes and merajuk sorang2*

On being reasonable

I am fascinated by the subtlety of human behaviour (I hope that didn't come across as too pretentious). How things said / not said could mean this / that. I used to have such grand delusions of people. That they are capable of flitting from one end of an emotional spectrum to another in the miliseconds of hesitancy. 

Well, I believe they do, we do, I do. We are afterall such marvelously emotional beings.

I just think sometimes one can hope too much that another could feel so much. Or really I'm just a bit too taken by secrecy. Liken it to some great unspoken sacrifice.

I should really just take what people say at face value. Deduce their motivations by evidences instead of great leaps of faith based on my subjective perception. 

Always it is martyrdom. I'm obsessed with the idea. Then again, looking for this noble trait in the average person is really my own fault. I can only turn to accounts of Rasulullah SAW's character, the people around him and of course, my own little league of fictional characters.

Quietly, she slips back into her untrusting nature. (Yes, I totally did just narrate myself). Although, the untrusting being tends to be so unforgiving, which is a vice.

Oh to be noble.

X

Something innumerable by nature
ungraspable by the mind
unfathomable by the heart
something you will never have
foreign to the touch
that your thoughts reel
your eyes roll and your soul
spasm in sheer desperation
of wanting to know it
this impossible yearning
for the unattainable
the way it gnaws your bones
claws your insides
and fracture your sanity
some thing, unnameable,
unreachable, inconceivable
all-consuming, all-ravishing
all-devouring,
thoroughly irrevocable
of its unforgiving existence,
 this thing has set you on fire,
irredeemably, deliriously,
desirious of
       -The unknown.

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Something moldy from the drafts folder

Dissonance

Feel it,
Feel the coldness of the unfeeling
their heartless hearts,
their joyless joys,

But feel also
The suffering of your suffering
And forgive
Them, yourself with them,

We meet in the end
This dissonance too must end.