Change

There is hope yet, and even if it isn't meant to be, at least it isn't some kind of grief that I cannot bear.

Allah musta'an. 

Raw

To have the strength to be forgiving is the single most difficult feat imaginable.

It is not in my nature to be calm. I am only calm in a deliberate manner. When reason leaves me, and I am left to behave without thought, it is all fire.

All that simmering heat I quell by force comes unleashed and I am left at a precipice; to be angry or to collect the wounded Ego.

More often than not I fail both and end up  behaving in a snappish manner. Swallowing half the anger, channeling my guilt into half-calm.

In summary, an unsightly childlike discomposition. I wish I could simply disappear when such trying moments ensnare me.

Vigil

Which is worse, to hurt or to feel nothing?

Then again...to be unfeeling is a certain kind of agony in itself.

I think of Salinger's Franny chanting that verse she found in that slim book by a Russian monk & I think of M. sharing that dua to be recited for laylatul Qadr;

اللَّهُمَّ إِنَّكَ عَفُوٌ تُحِبُّ الْعَفْوَ فَاعْفُ عَنِّي 

'O Allah, you are the Forgiver, You love to forgive, so forgive me.'