.

You know what, thank God for friends. I don't think I would still be breathing if it were not friends.

Ya Rabb, ease my way.

.

I don't want to survive, I want to live. 

Note:

The state of my mind is irrelevant. Little has changed and I'm only steadily approaching either a plateau or a cliff. I cannot tell which and no matter how convinced I am that I am at my limits, I somehow survive, I somehow endure. It is unmistakeable that all the kind people who have been helping me are of His Mercy.

It is difficult to express the changes one makes to the soul. All I know is that in this moment I am enjoying a respite. I must remember that when faced with trial, it is only natural to suffer. To preservere is one thing but to conduct myself appropriately during my endurance, that is the real test. The goal is to remember what I've learned and to put it into practice. As they say, the doorway between the Heart and God is the 'amalan of the 'ilm. 

It is not enough to swallow one's anger, grief and frustration. One need to be able to remain kind, to be able to lower the wing of humility when faced with a trying circumstance. I've failed on all accounts on that respect I think. I've been anything but graceful in my conduct. I've never been able to let go of my anger. M. once proposed this to me, that the trick is not to swallow but to release and it was such a revelation to me. I've done nothing about it since though.

I wish my stupid heart would just bleed out its rancour. Yet the Ego... It never fails to foil me. Awareness yet without action. It is a mountain in my way, this selfish anger at the world. I truly must stop resenting my surroundings too much.

Anyways, today was no different. I've been fretting about working alone over the weekend so much that sleep has become inoccuous. Yet today, the pharmacy assistant tasked to aid me, turned out he is competent and I felt safe with him around. So I have now dispelled all anxieties for tomorrow. There is one quirk about him that I find endearing, he is one of those people who addresses himself by his own name; he doesn't say 'I'. I've only known one person who does that, an acquaintance from back in highschool, a different lifetime ago. The quirk lends B. a charming air of childlike innocence.

[On an unrelated note, B. wears cologne, and is a good-looking chap. He is firm and so the patients (the drug addicts) dare not try anything on me. I'm so relieved.]

That aside, I'm done with Mishima's Decay of The Angel. Sordid book. It has too little of Spring Snow's soft metaphorical beauty and too much of the terrible sort. It reflects Mishima' state of mind though; (the author committed suicide shortly after finishing the novel). I'm done with all that doom and gloom. These pointless pontifications of 'human' suffering. Futile and mostly, so vain. I'll never mention SS ever again. 

I'm okay. I'll endure.

(yet another letter for M.)

Dear M.

This is sudden but I feel like writing to you. I've been observing the sky on my daily commute to work (as I am prone to. The weather affects my mood on a daily basis as if it were a premonition that needs to be obeyed. It sets my mood regardless of how my day goes. I know you share this penchant of mine so here I am); and it has been. . . when was the last time that I saw a cloudless blue sky? I can't remember. This haze has gone on for months now. It makes me miss Australia. Especially when the haze sometimes looks like that ethereal fog Melbourne is prone to in Autumn.

In particular, I observe the Sun. The haze often renders it muted, robs it of blinding radiance, leaves it a muted salmon coloured disc against a backdrop of grey-blue. It is quite charming to look at but it makes me sad. Today though, I think not of the Sun as an object (as one tend to regard trees by roadsides / highways equivalent to street lights), today I saw the Sun as it is meant to be seen, a creation. The Sun is a celestial object that this entire planet we live on orbits. It is an axis, giver of vital light and most of all, the Sun expires day by day. I gaze at the Sun and I think, it gazes back at me.

The Qur'an has made it clear that creation are not unfeeling. They are sentient, they witness us. Even the mountains shuddered at the prospect, the responsibility of carrying a soul. The Sun gazes back. This divine creation, it is but one in a universe full of other distant and far more incandescent stars. 

What I'm trying to convey is, there is more out there. Beyond this abode, there is Eternity. Colours beyond our spectrum, planes of universe to be unveiled, and most of all, there are experiences unimaginable.

It soothes my ever-thirsting soul, this epiphany. One always requires reflection to notice how deprived our inner lives had become. 

You and I, during our time in Australia, we discovered that faith in its truest sense, is intellectual. We discovered that to purport religion is not via the mehanical observance of rules. We found the treasure of meaning, knowledge; the red, beating heart of having beliefs, of what it means to strive for the sublime.

Now though, we are besieged by dispassion. It takes heart to remain a seeker of knowledge. 

Also, I was going through my letters and postcards and noticed that letter by Al-Ghazali (which you carelessly tore from that book of letters -I find this habit of yours extremely endearing but you already know this don't you) you gave me by way of a parting gift when I flew to Melbourne for the first time and here is a line from it;

"There are very few persons who have the aptitude for the acquisition of true knowledge and are endowed with piety."

And this is a quote Ghazali included at the end of the letter;

" 'To every Science its own people; And each man finds easy that for which he has been created apt.' "

I'll leave you to ponder my choice of including these two excerpts. They are in the spirit of our brief exchange via text this morning I think. 

At any rate, darling tempest, I hope your anxieties about 'the uncertainty of the future' has at least lessened somewhat. You and F. will be fine. Also, not that this needs to be reiterated but, I am nothing if not constant in my affections for you. So there.

Until next time.

Ton ami,

P.

Mating season

There is one thing that gives me absolute joy nowadays; my guppy fish.

I've been keeping them in a flower pot with a water plant (of some sort) in it and they're thriving so well. I initially had 3 pairs, of which only 4 survived til this day. 3 are males and 1 is a female. 

I've since moved the musketeers (yes I name the ones I can tell apart *shrugs*) into the koi pond where they grew larger and beautiful. Their tails are like silken rainbow flags, with black dots on them. I can see them quite easily despite the rather murky water. These 3 always swim together, like in a pack. They're the only ones which swim all over the pond. The other smaller guppies I've moved with the koi tend to stick to the edges of the pond, or beneath the raised platforms. 

Since it is Sunday and I'm not working I'm able to look at my fish at the most perfect time of the day: ~9-11am. The sun isn't too high in the sky and the light shines straight to the bottom of the habitats and so I can see the guppies easily and clearly. At other times of the day the light doesn't hit the water right and all I see is my reflection. This is a thing that I look forward to on days I don't have to go to work.

Two days ago I moved 6 more guppies from my main pool (the flower pot) into the upper section of the koi pond. I was worried they might fall with the waterfall into the main pond with the koi but they haven't. I added a couple more today to the upper section since I've noticed that the main pool is rather crowded now since the guppies have grown larger (day by day they grow!).

I've considered moving the Mother (the last surviving female from my original group of 6) into the koi pond where she could be with he musketeers but I think that might be cruel. She seems happy in the main pool with all the smaller fish. I wonder how many are actually her spawn and how many aren't hers. . .

The thing with guppies is, they're low maintenance and they're so so lovely. When taken care of they grow these colourful scales on their body. I've noticed how the scales become increasingly colourful as they mature.

Today I noticed that pairs of two have been chasing each other around. I've observed this happening in all three of the habitats: the main pool, the main koi pond and the upper section of the pond. I'm expecting there to be more guppies soon.

How long do guppies live anyway. I would be very sad if the Musketeers or the Mother dies.

The main pool is very slimy lately. It's because of the snails. Every 4 months or so there will be baby snails in the main pool. They make the pool slimy when they're about to leave the habitat. In the upper section of the koi pond I saw an entire waterboatman exoskeleton. There are also these inch long...things that I don't recognise living at the bottom. I don't see spider webs anymore though and this is mostly because Mary clears them up whenever she sees any I think.

I love this. I love that there is an ecosystem going on and that the tiny living beings procreate. I feel like a guardian, a witness of nature. What a blessing.

(You) As A Radiant Sun

Roots have grown where my feet used to be

Vines have crept over my limbs and made a home of me

My fingers now clawed branches

ever reaching, for that vital light—

       Earth-bound, this one 

       Ever a subordinate (to you)—

                    the smiling Sun

Beneath this aged bark beats my red heart

Its hollow drums, solitary and echoing

This ancient love, alone yet growing—

         Expansive like the universe

         A love turned celestial

Time shall not uproot this divine tree

Only death shall hinder its basking eternity

              

Etched upon the skin of my mind

are memories of—

          That radiant mind,

          Warm, effusive and silent

           Once known

               never, never forgotten.

A private kind of happiness

Dear M.

I have 5 minutes to write this. The car is cool and the afternoon sun is too bright, its white rays flooding the semi-darkness of my parked car. I avoid people at lunch time, I prefer this solitariness. People need not concern themselves about me.

I'm glad you sound alright. Alright enough at any rate. 

Also, thank you. Like you said, no words are needed. A private kind of happiness.

We'll brave the world.

Ever and ever yours,

P.

Adulthood

It's October. I am alive and am quite well.

If I were to describe my life right now it would be a sky full of dark, voluminous rainclouds. It would be the wind howling through shuddering trees. The anticipation of a thunderstorm.

I feel at sea. I feel as if my future is now uncertain because I am now sure that I do not want to remain a pharmacist. Or at least I hope to not remain as one. The hospital does not agree with me. It is chaos and it drains me. 

I hope I wil be able to transfer to a government health clinic after my internship. And then from there I will do what is necessary to achieve what I want.

I've been mulling my prospects over and it is daunting. I'm not sure what I want. There are many things I need to seriously consider and I need to start now.

Who do I want to be really? 

Tok

There was another funeral today, yet another occasion where I see the people I love grief; and in turn I found myself holding back tears.

I watched K. climbing into the grave and shovelling the dirt into his grandfather's grave and it struck me that this isn't the first time I've seen this scene. It's been 7 years since my aunt passed and the memories flooded my mind as I stood before the burial; K. 7 years ago in his mother's grave shovelling the dirt in. It was raining back then. 

Again, this is a trespassing. Grief that isn't mine.