Not to love

When you decide to do / not do something you've always had not done / done, there is that one burning question, demanding to be answered:

What has changed?

Unravelling our own ulterior motives is not easy. Self-deception is a complex & organic defence mechanism.

Change is difficult. An upheaval of a system that works, used to work or at least seemed to.

Want / need, right / wrong. Spectrums of infinite shades. How can anybody not feel lost?

Occasionally though someone, having perceived you as the 'discerning type', puts you on the spot with questions. They ask you to analyse their motives, ask how you 'feel' about them. You know your answer will affect a change in them if you're not careful.

What do you say?

It all boils down to you in the end. To your view of your relationship with the person. To tell them what they need / want to hear. Lying is easy if you don't care.

But I care. I always do. I want to always do. And when I can't afford to, made to not want to, I suffer.

Hence, I make no effort to deepen any seemingly promising bonds with most people. What I already have is enough.

I contemplate all this in the shade of my iron clad desire to not love. To not love so I can truly love.