Sunday, September 27, 2015


Things are back to normal. Mostly. I suppose, I did ask God to make things right for me despite my being adamant that I do not apologize this time around. I know the fault is half mine but still, I'm just done with it all. 

So, thank God (as always) for making things right for me.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

I miss the stars

I remember staying up late in my room back in Melbourne. When S. Wasn't around (usually on Friday nights back when she and I weren't very close), I would turn on our shared study lamp and angle it towards the ceiling. My white pristine room would be awashed with a soft yellow glow and outside; I could see the starlit sky from our wide window, which spanned the entirety of the bedroom wall. 

It's always quiet. Occasionally there would be noises from the neighbours who lived in the houses behind our apartment and in autumn there would be crickets. Sometimes dogs would bark but otherwise it's always quiet.

And cold. Or at least pleasantly chilly. I would make myself a cup of tea or pour myself a glass of juice. A box of chocolate biscuits by my side and I'm alone and slightly lonely but generally contented. I would be at my laptop of course, watching something or the other, talking to friends on tumblr etc.

I remember still the smell of the cool air. So clean and fresh I could swear I could taste it. There is no haze in Australia. Only mist or fog.

Right now, in the confines of my room, in the isolation of my own making, I feel like I've lost my home. I feel desolate in a most resigned manner. It's not the keening longing of being stuck overseas, solitary and independent. I am a prisoner of my own disquiet. This falling out does not tax me anymore. Or actually, it does, but I am too tired from work to distinguish it from my general weariness.

I want to gaze at the stars. I want to look for Orion's belt in Melbourne's sky and feel a smile tugging at my lips when I spot it. I want to feel the soft breeze of the chilly night envelope me. The wind my friend, I left you in Melbourne. The wind did not come with me.

In summary, this falling out has made me feel homeless. 

coming to terms

I don't care anymore.

Saturday, September 19, 2015


Disaat ini, tiada yang lebih sedih melainkan aku. 

Rough week turned into one of the worst day ever today. Shouting. Slamming. Smashing.

I am tired. I'm just going to be quietly depressed now. I've run out of heart for tears and anger.

Ya Rabb, forgive me.

Friday, September 18, 2015


Sahabat, Sang dingin yang berani
Sang angin yang kurindui
Ke mana saja kamu?

Thursday, September 10, 2015

On learning when to keep my mouth shut

From the blunders I've made this past 3 weeks, I've learned that sometimes it does not pay to be forthrightly honest with everything. Especially not with certain persons who have unrealistic expectations. 

Silence is safe. Silence does not confirm nor deny. Silence is an opportunity to ponder.

And hence I've learned to be silent. It feels dishonest sometimes but it has become incredibly clear to me that I will not survive this internship if I am too honest.

It's just a hard fact of life.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Happy Birthday M.

Part I —For it is the 3rd tomorrow.

Part II —For she who loves this lighthouse.

Part III —For she who stands too close to the edges of the cliffs; where sky, stone and sea collide. For she who welcomes the sea spray with a smile and the seagulls with the greeting of old friends’.

Part IV —For she whom I have known for 11 years —a companion for this brief respite on earth, which is but a drop of time in the ocean of Eternity. For she whose soul has been fated to mine.

Part V —For she whom I’ve written over 300 poems, over 30 letters and the entirety of a journal. For she who is my audience, my subject, my friend. My poetry, my prose, my very muse.

Part VI —For her whose birthday is today, 3rd of September. Tempest, darling friend, I more than love you, you are —sine qua non.
(Wollongong, NSW Australia —Sept. 2012)

Posted on insta between 11pm to 12am (3/9/2015). Thought I'd preserve these here ^_^

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

words to live by

No matter how much sad you are make others happy for the sake of Allah. That is khidmat-e-khalq (Service of creation).

 ~ Shaykh Saqib Shaami