Monday, April 28, 2014

Calm Figure

How do I defy the heart in solitude?
     Its one voice that speaks to me
How do I rankle its lonesome pleas?
     Its weakness overpowers me
              I wish to master solitary talk
              language of quiet words.

A stoic face, a stoic gaze
A poised portrait
               of perfect form.

How do I slaughter spontaneity?
     Its thoughtless rampage
How do I shackle compulsion?
     Its swift dominance
              I wish to helm my thoughts
              art of self-possession.

A deliberate gait, a complete composure
A silent portrait
                 of definite calm.

29th January 2014


O silent wonderment, hollow love 
Basking in silence, maddened on the porch
Time's thorny fingers, pressure on every inch of the skin
The mind surrenders, 
Slowly, ever slowly,
The natural cycle of my being continues.

Date unknown.

Sulk all you like

Let the chips fall where it may. I don't give a damn anymore. People can be so tedious.

On an even darker note, roomie is going back to Malaysia for two weeks this Saturday. I shall be heartbroken. 

My last placement starts next week. It will all be over soon enough. I can feel the end drawing near. To this life I mean. This university phase. The golden days that I shall recall in my later years (God-willing) ever so fondly. This feeling reminds me of Honda from Mishima's The Sea of Fertility tetralogy. 

A frozen reminiscence. A long-drawn ache for crystallised memories of youth. A longing that used to rage but now sits nobly poised on the dais of time past. Steady and subdued.

Saturday, April 26, 2014


I'm the kind who lets you hog the blanket while I shiver through the autumn night than risk jarring you awake.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

To remain silent

I don't know what to say to people I don't really know. Small talk and all that. 

But really when I'm nervous things literally do get lost in translation when I try to make conversation. Things in my mind get out all jumbled when I speak.

I hover. Stand a little too far to be in the conversation. Pointedly avoid eye contact. These are difficult things to unlearn.

Ah well. Why care about these things eyh? I'm generally quite happy.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Comfort Zone

Am at roomie's bestmate's house. Been spending a lot of time with them. Pretty girls who seem to know every single person they pass by on the street. Went around with them. Parties and BBQs and all that. Been practising being friendly with people. I'm just ridiculously awkward but I'm getting better.

My relationship with these two socialites is a very odd and unlikely thing. But it works. I actually like them a lot. Better than anyone in Melbourne in fact. These people are genuine and they're kind. They love openly and sincerely.

And I don't know. I don't tire of them at all like I do most people. Something about good cheer and physical beauty perhaps. I like cheerful, slightly crazy and most importantly kind, people. Extroverts are good fun. 

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Monday, April 14, 2014


She senses my irritation and adeptly diffuses it. I shouldn't be like this. *sigh*

Tuesday, April 8, 2014


It had just stopped drizzling. I'm on my bed with a cup of tea, looking absent mindedly at the view out my window. It is evening, everything is blue and you could hear a chorus of crickets. The days have been overcast since last week. Such is autumn; low hanging clouds, rain and crickets. 

Even the sea which I walk along on the way to work is calmer. Dense clouds filling the washed out sky. The occasional sizeable patches of dappled grey making patterns over the barely blues. Like the rump of an Andalusian horse. All this reflected perfectly onto the vast water like a mirror. It is all blue, grey and white. Cottony and fluffy rather than rolling waves frothing over golden-kissed sand.

I have been staring out windows everyday in trams. At the fogged up wet streets and darkened concrete buildings. It takes the edge off of my dislike of crowds. My tea has cooled off now. I take a sip and feel at ease. I embrace this solitude.

Monday, April 7, 2014


Can't stand myself these days. In fact, there's only one person I'm alright with these days; my roommate. 

What an inordinate blessing. I used to think her the most unintentionally intrusive person one could meet. How perceptions change. Unchanging in her steady good cheer. Anchors me.

But I've said this a thousand times already haven't I? A broken tape.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Grating noise of the unschooled heart finds the entire world suddenly grating for no other reason than quite suddenly tiring of it. I need to not let these pangs of darkness master me. I'll snap.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

in the night

you can't seem to ever grasp this world, this life. And you wonder if you ever will. Honestly, I suspect never. That long growing fatigue in your heart when you miss nothing, want nothing, and all that's left are fragmented efforts which you throw into a million things. Not any single one of them even grazing that mark which you aim for.

Endlessly falling short of people and goals. It is hard to keep being alright sometimes. The little things are accumulating and you just can't ignore them. Strangers. Encounters. Conversations. Remarks. Expressions. Just, people. 

It has been so long. What is all this. I am tired. Too easy to feel unloved, too easy to feel alone. Then you remember your blessings, how you've forgotten them.

But then, it's hard to be alright all the time. I can't seem to write exactly what I want and it's hardAt night, everything comes at you at once. Feel like swearing. So you press your forehead to the cool wall. And everything comes at you.