Friday, November 28, 2014

Pack up

Spent the entire day packing up things I've accumulated over the past four years into boxes. The heaviest of all being books (20kg). Thank goodness I actually bring my books home every summer break. 

Put my wooden world map by the sidewalk, where I first found it 3 years ago. I left my typewriter there too (it does not work, it had never worked). I taped that painting of Mt. Fuji I did last year on its casing. I thought it's a nice touch. On the back of the paper it says, 
For Kiyoaki, who viewed Satoko as "Mt. Fuji at sunset."
I remember when I did the painting, M. had just got back from Japan. So, M. was in my mind too as I painted it. 

Lastly, I left my little whiteboard. On it I had written "Please give us a HOME." Not even 15 minutes later I saw from my kitchen window a young man with glorious ginger hair walking briskly with my little whiteboard.

It is very real now. I am leaving Melbourne. I am no longer a student. Life will be shocking. It is like pushing a reset button. I wonder...

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

With the tide

The shore thirsts for the ocean
he reaches for her, receives her
ever in waiting

The ocean loves the shore
she greets him, kisses him
ever returning

While the winds
bear their laments;

In darkness's fold
In daylight's hold
         for fear
         for hope
         for courage,
the messenger is,
                as ever

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Solicitude II

Has Time been kind to you?
Rested your aching heart
Whiled your fears apart

Has Courage grown for you?
Adorn you with certainty
Armour your soul steady

Has Faith walked with you?
Sweetened your presentiment
Soothed your irresolution

If a force on this earth could sunder 
The phantoms in your mind
A thousand ranks would back you
               - And I amongst them.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


As the blown leaves loves the wayward wind,
As the falling raindrops loves the
far-flung sky,
I am regret, longing;
           Wanting, to appease you.

My words desired, 
and failed;
       I hope for you,
Is all I wish to say.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014


"I was substitute teaching in a high school history class yesterday and I was thinking of you. The lesson was review for an upcoming quiz on Islam (they're learning about the five largest religions around the world) and I was helping them with the review worksheets. I ended up talking to quite a few of them of how "jihad" didn't mean Holy War, but a struggle of faith. The whole concept of Jihad meaning a "holy war" was an American bastardization of the name. Some of the students also asked why I always said "Muhammed, peace be upon him," and I was able to explain how it was all about respect. I doubt it was much or if kids will remember, but it was kinda fun to educate them with the lessons you taught us."
~ Subject: Thinking of you, email received 11/11/2014

A portion of an email from friends I made over the internet. People I met through Star Wars fanfiction believe it or not. They (twin sisters) wrote an amazing Star Wars fic and I had the audacity to contact them to express my appreciation and that then led to me being one of their beta readers (consultants/editors) for their Assassin's Creed fic, which needed insight into teachings and cultures in Islam. It's amazing how life intersects in this era where people from opposite ends of this world could be so in touch with each other, despite never having met. Because really, in friendships, it is the soul that needs knowing first, the heart that needs loving first, all else is secondary.

Monday, November 10, 2014


The hard lines of your back
the slope of your neck,

The thin line of your mouth
the leaning in to your mouth,

The sharp slants of your brow
the plant of my lips to your brow,

I stand on tip-toe
your pride bent, your head bowed,

Fall apart,
Dear beloved.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

To be or not to be

These last couple of months have been a daze. I read something, about trying to be 'calm'. In other words, ways to be stoic, and noble and just, and patient. And then through all of that, to be kind under all circumstance. 

For a period of time, I checked myself. I think more before I say things but then I find it almost impossibly contradictory to my nature. I'm almost irredeemably excitable (around the right people). And it just got too hard. 

And throughout this experiment, one of the practices was to not immediately write one's feelings down because that too is an exercise on self-control.

But now, I am certain that it is the only way to be. If I am to better myself, self-control, self-discipline is the only way. I fail thoroughly and miserably in these two exercises when it comes to academic pursuits.

The only way to achieve self-mastery is to be hard on yourself, consistently until one becomes accustomed to denying the self what it flagrantly, endlessly wants. 

Ultimately, I concluded that I merely idealise self-mastery. I am not desirous of it, I merely romanticise it. It's a predicament really. To be or not to be, that is indeed the question.