I suppose in the end I only want significance at a personal level, a private gratification if you will. Meaning that is lasting only to myself and persons I deem important. The world at large disenchant me. Mainly because any 'marks' one makes in this world ultimately ends in one of the two books of deeds. Reward or Sin. To please whom? That is the question. Because in the end, this world and people when viewed from the distances of one's mind, disappoints. The extreme magnifying of details, the close examination of things; close persons, their relations to you, nature immediately surrounding you, the light shining through leaves of a tree you are sitting under, passages in a book, their significance bearing upon your personal worldviews etc. Only these bear the vestiges of wonderment. Moments of reprieve from paralysing mundanity.
Things pertaining to the stark presence of being. A tangible reality. The reality of existing. Of the inevitability of death. The inevitability of death in a sense that one should not waste time chasing indefinites that are quite clearly not pertaining to what comes after. To exist in that pure state of being.
What a weak willed creature I am, trapped in my mind, forever chastising my unseemly lack of fortitude. One can be too hard on one's self (as with the case of Maya) but one is more often than not too lenient on the self.
Perhaps I have simply grown more averse to the chasing of intangibles. I simply want to savour them for what they are and not let loose wild efforts of trying to capture these flighty shadows. It is a safer way of existing for the disillusioned idealist. The forgoing of dream chasing for the contentment of living a small and acutely personal existence with only one long term goal; the betterment of the self for the self. To seek to be good for the greater good. The greater good that transcends time and this world, encompassing both; this life, the after, the self, society.
Sometimes I think I am angry and cynical but really, I think I am only hopeful and terrified of being so.
I withdraw now.