14th November 2015
It's midday, I'm sitting on my front porch listening to Bowie's Space Oddity (I'm also wearing my $5 astronaut nat geo shirt) as I contemplate the idea of enjoying 'moments' without thinking of what the future might bring. Simple pleasures like writing, tea, reading etc. They're only fun / pleasant when one has the luxury of being idle and carefree.
I watched a video on YT last night, of a 17 year old boy who is dying of cancer; he was giving a speech to his peers about 'Life'. He said people should strive for short-term goals rather than long-term ones. He used the term 'micro-ambitious'. To be passionate with what is in front of us rather than squander it and waste energy and time in dreamings. It's quite a viewpoint, I think. Makes me think about my current life / work, how I probably should do more studying in order to become a better asset to the hospital. I don't know... I can't seem to put my heart in it... on this score, I believe you do understand me.
I've been thinking about A. How does one brave a world without parents? It sounds nigh impossible. I know her Mother is still around but still.
I haven't much else to say really.
I've just spent an entire hour scooping my guppies out from the water plant flower pot and put some of them into the stone basin thing (part of the koi pond water feature). One of them died in the process. Fell onto the floor and I watched it drown. I couldn't make myself touch its wriggling body. Cowardice. I'm sorry, fish. My heart practically raced when they bump around in the round plastic container I used to scoop them out of the water. Was so worried more will fall onto the floor...
That aside I then proceeded with watering the potted plants Mother bought when she went to that gardening class a couple of months ago. We have kangkung, daun sup, daun bawang, kunyit, and a couple more I can't name.
I enjoy this very much. Water, Sun and Living Things. Maybe I should just work at a plant / flower nursery when I'm done with my two year (minimum) stint in the health ministry. Maybe with a pharmacy license I could just locum a few days a week and make just enough money to get by. I don't know. Do you think it has to do with us being millenials that we're so... reluctant to make a living via conventional ways. Perhpas I'm just used to being a bourgeoisie ... too pampered by my parents' well-to-do-ness that I fail to understand what is required to attain comforts and pleasures in life.
A pension. Working in the government will acquire one a pension. 60 years of one's life for what? For 10 years of so called 'relaxation'? Our parents basically worked hard so that they could provide for us. Now look at me... ungrateful sloth.
Seeking to coast by and indulge in idleness. What is to become of me. There is one thing that I do enjoy doing at work though (sorry for going off on a tangent), helping people out of my own volition, moments at the hospital when I suddenly find myself facing a stranger in need; a Mother trying lift her pushchair onto the sidewalk, a nurse whom had accidentally turn medicine cart over, a patient looking for directions, a friend who is having trouble doing her work etc. That, I enjoy. I do understand that what I do on a daily basis is basically 'service'. I know. I help people with their meds. "It is a noble job," I've been advised. I know. I just... am not interested in being overworked for an all too practical sense of 'nobility'. You know what... maybe the hospital is too far is all. Maybe I'm just tired from driving inter-state twice a day is all.
Til another time, M.
p.s. I've been trying to get some roses sent to you all morning. I'm not sure if the florist is getting my message.
Note: Letter I wrote M. which I can't hand to her because she's in Kelantan til Sunday. M., if you're reading this, it's very much in the vein of our recent phone call isn't it.