Pejuang // Warrior

Kata-kata yang kusenyawakan
bersama deruan biru angin

kata-kata yang kusimpulkan
bersama hijaun pucuk jiwaku

          kata-kata yang kau terangi;
          lantas
          perang, kau cetuskan pada aku.    


.


Words I imbue
with the blue of the howling winds

words I knot
with the greens of my soul

             words you light up;
             and
             into war, plundered me.

captain the soul

If there is anything one could do when at wits's end, is to make dua.

Make dua for help to come your way, and if none came, make dua for the strength to endure.

And if even then you fail to muster the strength to endure whatever it is that you are faced with, make dua for His forgiveness.

Don't abandon yourself.

sunny and downcast

At least it's always sunny here. No winters to endure, except the one within.

Sometimes I consciously feel the sun on my skin, like when I'm walking from the parking lot at work, or when I open my mail out in the front porch; the heat of the rays always a reminder of Life. Sometimes I feel bitter about how unhappy I have become, sometimes I just feel a longing to have the time to enjoy the days as I wished and either way it culminates into discontent.

I feel far removed from joy. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix myself to be honest. 

Lord, help me. I'm much too inured to being morose.

terra incognita

Acres upon acres of soil, gently rolling, like a swell of land beside a cliff. This land, barren at first sight, so brown against the backdrop of fog and clouds where the cliff drops into a deep ravine. No shred of sky is visible, not in this somber weather, yet the scent of mountains hidden by the weather; earthy and cold —permeates the air. Razed after a fire, this abandoned land of ash and loam, now tilled and ready for growth, awaits the crops it would house and nourish. 

A painting in words, the landscape of my soul.

a feat of feeling

I'm not a person of half measures. Am one for grand gestures, one of those who (if I had the money to spare) would write 'I love yous' in the sky, fucking fireworks on birthdays, roses on coffee dates, or buy you a $130 scarf on a random Monday sort. 

I will 'go to town' so to speak. Or at least I'd like to think I would.

It's a character flaw, to indulge one's self into feeling too intensely. An exaggeration of sentiments that merely puts you on a vulnerable ledge on an emotional skyscraper. You get high, sure but then what? 

On a side note, I'm now calm. I think.

tell no one

“Travel and tell no one, live a true love story and tell no one, live happily and tell no one, people ruin beautiful things.”

                              — Khalil Gibran

Asap

Dipenghujung dunia

dikaki langit yang terbentang membiru

digarisan ufuk lapangan perasaan

           hati ini seolah lerengan bukit

           yang pohonan hijaunya dinyalakan api liar

           dedaun pucuknya dijilat kering

menjadi abu dan bara

berlegar lembut keruangan udara 

yang merah dan panas

          menunduk kelabu, melambai lesu

jiwa ini menggunung;

           harapan, hitungan, impian

           bagaikan asap.

           

Drive

All I wanna do is curl up in bed and read my Southern Vampire Mysteries novels all weekend (which is what I'm doing right now, before I turn in) but it's a 9-2pm and 9-5pm sort of weekend sadly.

Being tired is now simply a way of life. Just as; sleeping at 2 waking up at 6, breakfast in the car at stoplights and on the highway, singing with the radio (I'm Hitz FM & Red FM trash), cursing at bad drivers, being a bad driver myself (not anymore, I drive strictly between 100-130  nowadays post the accident), arriving to work, work, doing all in my power so that I can leave at 5—are.

The other day, it was brought to my attention that I didn't even know the number for my paycheck slips —because I've never checked if my salary tallied with my paycheck. My lack of interest in my remuneration basically had people saying clearly I've never checked because I've never been in short of money. Sounded rather offensive to me but it's true I suppose. All I know is I feel stuck and aimless. Money is about planning ahead and I have no plans. 

Anyways.

My colleagues whom I genuinely like are all leaving next Monday. They're done with the 12 months internship hence are transferring out to other hospitals and clinics. I'll be a lot lonelier I expect, which is disheartening.

Oh well.

It's just what Life is. People move on, they leave, and you just cruise along like you always have; sleepless, breakfasts in the car & radio music keeping you company.