Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Undying.

When the world come crashing upon you
you expect it to be loud in a morbidly epic sort of way
but to the contrary, when it really does crush you
it is silent.

I confess, I've spent many a flight
of fancy imagining what my personal apocalypse would be like.
I pictured time to warp into slow-motion
but above all I hoped I would be standing on top of the debris.

None of that played out.
When the last knot that ties your life together is undone
you can only watch and relish the numbness that paralyzes even horror.
You rationalize in your mind and when it doesn't compute, more silence.

I made my way through the hallways and down the stairs quickly
I could hear my heartbeat exploding in my ears
but most of all I wanted to stare at the sky in private
and hope rain would fall.

I looked for a tree in the park, one with enough girth to hide me
and sat under it where dead twigs, bark and leaves littered.
I stared at the green grass and the great clouds sailing above me
and wished that this beauty I'm looking at is all that mattered.

I wanted, needed time to stop. Instead
time went by faster than ever.
I knew I wouldn't be able to pick myself up
fast enough to catch up.

Because life's not like that.

The wind blew harshly, ceaselessly, coldly.
It helped to freeze my fears and dry my tears.
When you finally lose it all, you're only inconsolable for a while
then, a shroud of stillness comes to match the silence.

I cried for an hour under the tree,
until I'm sure the weather's trying to kill me.
Crows flew across the sky. I wondered if they were carrion birds
looking for something dead, like me.

I didn't want to go back home and I had but a few dollars in my wallet
not enough for a motel or even a bar of chocolate.
So I went back to my apartment, where waiting are my friends.
I stood a long while in the landing, making up stories for lying.

Underneath the tree, I was more alone than I've ever been,
more unhinged than I ever imagined.
God is wise. He made us so we would never die
of heartbreak but for me, it might be too late.

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