Monday, February 1, 2016


I gifted M. some of my guppies last weekend (A. was kind enough to accompany me to get a fish tank & fish food for this purpose). I don't know why I wish to record this insignificant detail but I suppose whatever concerns M is reason enough for me.

M's little brother was playing out on the porch when I pulled into the dead-ended street where M lives and the boy went inside to fetch her. I got out of my car, not bothering to park it properly and waited for M to come out. 

I explained to M that I had forgotten to bring some of the dechlorinator liquid with me so she probably shouldn't change the water in the tank (which was greenish in colour because it came from my koi pond where I breed my guppies). We were then interrupted by the neighbours milling out and staring at my car parked in the middle of the street so I had to rush off. It was too brief and in a desperate attempt to not leave so quickly I rolled my window down and yelled (despite the neighbours) a question, "When are you leaving for Singapore?" She replied and I said something or the other and then I was home feeling dissatisfied and dead-tired.

Not two hours after, M texted me saying how four of the six guppies I gave her were kind of dying (she changed the water) so I said I would hurry over with some pond water. I didn't mind really. If fish had to die so I could see M then so be it (not that I intended it). 

F (M's husband) greeted me this time, and when he disappeared back inside the house I hovered by the gates, uncertain if I was welcomed inside or not. I waited til F popped out again and beckoned at me. 

It was nice. Being there for awhile, at M's, just talking and tending to the fish tank & its dead occupants (I couldn't save the four but two survived and I brought replacement guppies). I know M feel profound guilt whenever animals unexpectedly die and so I myself felt a little guilty for being the impetus. 

The long short of it, I got my time with M and despite not being a particularly tactile person, we shook hands properly by way of goodbye and I was once again assured of my place in M's life.

This is pathetic but this is what it is. I can't do without M is all.

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