To be or not to be

These last couple of months have been a daze. I read something, about trying to be 'calm'. In other words, ways to be stoic, and noble and just, and patient. And then through all of that, to be kind under all circumstance. 

For a period of time, I checked myself. I think more before I say things but then I find it almost impossibly contradictory to my nature. I'm almost irredeemably excitable (around the right people). And it just got too hard. 

And throughout this experiment, one of the practices was to not immediately write one's feelings down because that too is an exercise on self-control.

But now, I am certain that it is the only way to be. If I am to better myself, self-control, self-discipline is the only way. I fail thoroughly and miserably in these two exercises when it comes to academic pursuits.

The only way to achieve self-mastery is to be hard on yourself, consistently until one becomes accustomed to denying the self what it flagrantly, endlessly wants. 

Ultimately, I concluded that I merely idealise self-mastery. I am not desirous of it, I merely romanticise it. It's a predicament really. To be or not to be, that is indeed the question.