Wednesday, April 24, 2013

In all honesty

I have discarded all notions of trying to 'come across' to anybody. Not that I have ever cared much, which I can testify by my utter lack of concern with people back in high school (and now even).

There was an odd thing going on in high school. I and a friend of mine, we were not 'in the scene' so to speak. We were not exactly outcasts, no, those unfortunate souls were picked on, bullied. They had no voice. They were ridiculed openly, mercilessly and nobody ever cared to do anything about it.

But that's not what I'm talking about here. You see, it seems like we were living on different planes from our peers or something. We were there but we were not 'in'. I suppose our talents made us distinguished, respected even.

I know this for a fact because it used to be a thing that whenever I decided to speak up about something, I was listened to or regarded warily by my peers. For example, when other people tell the class/peer to 'shut up', it's usually responded with a retaliation, a joke, or no reaction at all. When I said 'shut up', the effect was different. Maybe because I simply spoke very little & when I do it is something of an occasion. Eventful even. And when I asked a classmate in the middle of verbally abusing another, the kid seemed to feel intimidated. I was not their kind, the usual responses did not apply to me.

All that is well and good but I have been trying to change these past few years. Especially here in Melbourne. People think me the quiet kind but when they get to know me, the easy-going joke-cracking sort.

I actually do that. Crack jokes. I do it all the time with my room mate / in usrahs (the only social activity I engage in hahah). I'm not sure why because I most certainly don't do it with my family or friends-friends. Old friends. Humor is just a buffer anyway. It draws attention away from yourself in the most wholesome way possible. Being too quiet actually draws attention more than when you simply speak every now and then. Blend in.

That being said, I don't feel like people-pleasing anymore. *sigh* Let's just say I'd just rather not say anything then speak and be met with the oh so predictable responses. People do not surprise me. 

You say one thing and they say what they think of what you said. Pass judgment. I have met very few people that are actually good 'listeners'. I tend to let people yap away and tell them what they like to hear (mostly) just because it's easier. Well screw that. 

I am done. Shite people ought to know how shitty they are when they are being shitty. Nobody is perfect, as the saying goes. I shall mete out ample amounts of dead silence when I deem appropriate.

I shall not cling to the past or ideas anymore. I will let people go, even those that I call my people. I am just so very tired of being the one who makes efforts. Who plans & reaches out.

Nobody deserves my loyalty. Not anymore. I am done being disappointed.

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